The Source of Absence

What starts online, should end online. That is the motto for this post.

Somehow I underestimated how the online world works. Or actually I didn't. I chose not to think about it. But I never did forget. A while back a friend wrote:

@: My friend's bf just surprised her with a puppy. Why can I not have a bf like that?

And I responded:

@TarnosAng: You are a more considerate gf than that and you know it.

I may not have got the exact words, but I remember precisely what I meant to write. If you were reading this now you might probably think, why bring it up now, it's so long ago. Or is the statement going to be that it's too late for an apology?

I didn't bother to check every single person who could have read this and understood what it meant but there were facts. And the facts showed that only if the item was blown up from what it was would more people know about it. Because the people closest to me never knew for a long time. Some of them still don't know about it. I do not say this fact to annoy people. I say this to clarify why I am solving this online. It is the source, and so is the only cure.

I tore down my Twitter account, blocked up my blog, stopped using Facebook unless to respond, and stopped using MSN. Sitting in a form of self offline isolation brought with it waves of uncontrollable emotion. Was I worthy of commenting on others? Was there something I could improve on myself? Was my judgement greatly marred? Was I not qualified to go online? I set myself a month to find reasons on my own, but with the peace that I found within I decided to keep certain things to be longer than that.

Perhaps some might be interested to know the reason why I responded. The fact stands that at that point in time, given the circumstances that was apparent to me, I made a logical judgement. A judgement. They say humans should not judge and I guess that's true. I made someone else unhappy to support another. But I had my facts and I am sorry I made the statement.

However, through it I have learnt a lot. I learned how people's thought patterns are, how people react, and how people coordinate when news arrives. Most importantly, I have learned how much time the Internet can waste, and all the non-contributing emotions generates unnecessary pity and prolonged annoyance as it goes round and round the world. I step away for a while.

My birthday dinner is round the corner. I am fairly confident I have found out who knows about this before I write about it based on the response for the Facebook invitation. I have a strong feeling if I am dying of hunger and I come to your doorstep you might turn me away because you are dreaming of buying the new house. Fortunately for you all, I will still welcome you. It's alright I hold no grudges, but it still disappoints me somehow.

Whether or not this is accepted as an apology is up to the individual. I apologize for the mistake, and I am moving forward from it. I am fully admitting I have done this. If one does not forgive, it is no longer in my court. May your life be filled with happy days, even if I'm not part of it.

The Close of Hiatus

Hello blog. I've been away for so long, the last time I actually did write something was 2 and a half months ago. People have come knocking. Some have thought I have blocked them on purpose. Some have thought I have been writing stuff which I wanted hidden from others. In actual fact I haven't been writing at all. I have almost ditched you into the archive section, but you have been revived - for the me that wrote is still the me that is writing. Only with a different pattern.

So what have I been up to these few months? A lot really. To cap off I have finished my Diploma of Financial Services in Financial Planning meaning I am qualified to give advice on financial products. I completed (barely) the Melbourne Half Marathon, which was tough due to lack of proper training. I have re-vamped my diet whenever I can help it. Got myself a musical keyboard. Just got back from Canberra. Going on a trip to Europe. And, about to buy a new camera soon. Also in the process of learning Chinese through books.

More importantly, I came across this book called the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I am fortunate enough to have had this title in my head thanks to Benjamin See who posted it on his Facebook status. I just cannot believe how someone who fully reads this book can actually not feel enlightened. It was a powerful message passed to me, and although I am unable to completely live by its principles, it has brought me a priceless gift: inner peace at much more of the time.

I would like to have more creative writing here and perhaps in Facebook once I derive more confidence and flow in my words. The time is now.

The Road Not Taken

What brings the road to the precipice? Is it because the road was not taken for so long that it caves in on its own? Or is it the benign internal cracking which, after many moons of erosion and disregard, has let loose its weight on the world?

How can an 8th house be doubted? I stood upon the horizon watching the sunrise and sunset, day in day out. There in front of me a 9th year is overwhelming a 3rd year. Life is full of these crushes. I should be happy my expense is appreciated by someone else. I should also be glad that it is very apparent that the 7th house is trully within me. Yet a lot of the time I am so sick of the never ending frustrations and climbs. At the end of the day I take it in my stride that a better day ensues. My boss tells me how frustrating it was to be beginning in the foundation of salt and sand. Perhaps what he has not understood is that his 12 year history of bliss prior to that does amount to something which he can always fall back on. I am certainly not so lucky. I don't think my soul can appreciate simple satisfaction and happiness anymore. It's always so amazingly pulmerized I surprise myself that I get up every single day seeking a better day.

The things I shall remember from today are: it was written and I read it, I have not found what life has in store for me and I have to keep up with that blind hope. It is my destiny.

A New Day has Come

Another morning has dawned. It is 6 in the morning, I have awaken at about 5.30, not a very usual thing to do, but it's one thing I realized keeps me feeling more ahead of the game recently. People say they detest waking up so early, even I myself thought so, and sometimes I still do think so. Yet the reality sinks in that much more can be achieved by having an early rise. More so if I didn't start work so early, but that's the way lemons were delivered to me.

I haven't written a proper post in a while. The story of my life is still the same story; only with more experiences. I want to remind myself to write, but I realize its hard just to get myself to study, what more to lock me down to write creatively. It's not that I do not enjoy it, but rather that inclination to think that if I lock down more time, then there will be none left. Even now I am watching the time tick so I'm not late for work. Irony to happen even though I've awaken so early.

So what is the story of my life? Career, family, finance, friendship, relationship. Which do I put first? I don't know sometimes, they all seem to bother me, so I put them in alphabetical order.

I've found myself the girl I used to think about a few years ago. She was always there, sometimes hiding in the corner, but at that time seems so far to reach. And life would pull me in different directions, and I got myself involved in other people during this phase. I learned a lot from between then and now, which is why I don't quite regret that I followed life's path of opening love to me. And right now, I shan't say finally as yet, but we're together. Something's are so magical. One thing I've thought is that I never do agree to a guy and a girl becoming best friends if they had once been shown feelings for each other before. They would somehow end up together or strain their current relationship. Not only in the drama series, it really does happen. But people involved think it's all under control. Or do they?

It's the 4th year I've been away from Malaysia in the long run and the 7th year since I've been away from my immediate family. So much has happened, I've changed a lot, things have evolved. One thing I've learned is that I have forgotten that it was hard. Or maybe it never really was. It's those one off conversations I have with those people who have been residing here since the beginning of time that feel this awe. They say they admire the choice that was made for me to stay on my own. But how hard was it? I attribute that to the amazing friends I have, which still keep me lively when they're around today though some have moved on to something else, and also to my own inner desire. I've always been ridiculed for not being street-wise and not being independent. Now that I can prove it that they were always wrong, does it amount to anything? Probably not. And I'm left thinking about keeping in touch with my family.

That's what really hits me. Everyone else in the family I would worry about are all close together, or at least in the same time zone. Sometimes I think I'm jealous, but the thing that really hits me is the same expectancy of communication even from the distance. Perhaps I am thinking of a selfish brat's point of view; but this is reality. Is it just me that I'm somehow not putting enough effort to communicate back, or is it fair to say it shouldn't be a constant hounding? I can't compare myself to others because they're together, yet I yearn for some self justice. Another never-ending chapter of my life.

The clock is ticking and as I am writing this, there is only 10 minutes left before I'll be late for work. The truth of the matter is the points I really wanted to write about are these last few. But the potential to possibly hurt another's feelings also comes here, so I guess it's good that I do not have much time to harbour on these.

Friendship. Astrology was right to say: I care too much about it. I try to log in to Facebook everyday now, just to peek into other people's lives. Yet as a survey I recently read concurs, most of what people say are meaningless junk. For example: "I feel sleepy/hungry", "I want to eat this/that", "I want to buy this/that". How does that equate to a social life? I would have problems in real life communicating if all I said was that but that's what's happening. Is everyone not knowing how to talk anymore? And then there are those who cut open their own relationship as a status. If it's positive it's all and well. But what if it's not? What impression is the other person going to get to know that you have posted things like: "Oh this relationship is so boring (after you just spent the night out together)" or "I don't think you care anymore (after you have expressed yourself with words/gifts". I personally feel its insulting. But hey, who am I to say? You want more people to comment, this is the way. And as Mr Ben See has pointed out, it's a vanity tool. Though hidden behind all that is so much more.

The friends we keep in touch with? I still strongly stand that people who spend so much time online are losing touch of themselves to keep up with the vanity. How can a friend of long not seen be more hospitable and take over supposed close friends right just so nearby? I don't understand.

And to career, today hopefully I get some of the answers to this very important question: "Should I be staying in the company I am working in?

Anyway gtg. =)

The Movie Called Life

Is it true that an actor can tell another actor easily?
Or is it just that some people are just more sensitive than others?
I tend to stick with sensitivity.
Because I still believe in what the stars have written.