Curtains of Rain

For as long as he sat time passed such which he could not remember. The day would replace the dusk and the darkness to overwhelm the bright. He had found a masterpiece, and it had been there for a some time, but now he began to fully appreciate and understand it's intricate artwork. It was carried to most places he went to.

On sunny days, the boat saw many tourists. They were from all over the world, and would converse in their mother-tongues. It was a maze of charming intellect, swarming over the sound barriers in search of listening. He would happily hop on the boat and share in the joys. Many wondered how he could find it enjoyable, for he barely spoke outside the languages that he knew; and that was not many. But he understood their facial expressions, it was like a moving puzzle, each with its own nooks and crannies. He found it enjoyable.

Yet the days of rain did not elude him. Often he would spend time protecting his masterpiece from the bitter storm. Travellers were fewer then, a familiar face once in a while of those who frequented the boat rides. However, what mainly differed lied in the oncoming land as he entered the docking station. The people who used to greet him merrily seemed distant now, and sometimes he found it hard to build a conversation. It was a strange feeling of having much in mind but being restrained from sharing the joys. They seemed annoyed that he was commuting too often, and a gush of sadness would wash over. Fortunately he was strong enough to take it.

He sat on the pier and looked out. Through vision he saw the shelter he used to enjoy being closed down. The frequent commuters seemed less inclined to spell a tale. It became warmer outside but inside he wasn't sure. A smile not to segregate the divisions made up. That was what he needed to live by. That was what he was good at.

How Long?

How long shall it take to write
To break free the barriers to wisdom, to light
The words which may soothe and may heal
Or the wretched floating sorrow poured out

For what is imparted though may be retrieved
Leads sometimes to horror, or to one's disgust
But for every phrase will partake its risk
Thus I shall find time, to pen it all down.

The Source of Absence

What starts online, should end online. That is the motto for this post.

Somehow I underestimated how the online world works. Or actually I didn't. I chose not to think about it. But I never did forget. A while back a friend wrote:

@: My friend's bf just surprised her with a puppy. Why can I not have a bf like that?

And I responded:

@TarnosAng: You are a more considerate gf than that and you know it.

I may not have got the exact words, but I remember precisely what I meant to write. If you were reading this now you might probably think, why bring it up now, it's so long ago. Or is the statement going to be that it's too late for an apology?

I didn't bother to check every single person who could have read this and understood what it meant but there were facts. And the facts showed that only if the item was blown up from what it was would more people know about it. Because the people closest to me never knew for a long time. Some of them still don't know about it. I do not say this fact to annoy people. I say this to clarify why I am solving this online. It is the source, and so is the only cure.

I tore down my Twitter account, blocked up my blog, stopped using Facebook unless to respond, and stopped using MSN. Sitting in a form of self offline isolation brought with it waves of uncontrollable emotion. Was I worthy of commenting on others? Was there something I could improve on myself? Was my judgement greatly marred? Was I not qualified to go online? I set myself a month to find reasons on my own, but with the peace that I found within I decided to keep certain things to be longer than that.

Perhaps some might be interested to know the reason why I responded. The fact stands that at that point in time, given the circumstances that was apparent to me, I made a logical judgement. A judgement. They say humans should not judge and I guess that's true. I made someone else unhappy to support another. But I had my facts and I am sorry I made the statement.

However, through it I have learnt a lot. I learned how people's thought patterns are, how people react, and how people coordinate when news arrives. Most importantly, I have learned how much time the Internet can waste, and all the non-contributing emotions generates unnecessary pity and prolonged annoyance as it goes round and round the world. I step away for a while.

My birthday dinner is round the corner. I am fairly confident I have found out who knows about this before I write about it based on the response for the Facebook invitation. I have a strong feeling if I am dying of hunger and I come to your doorstep you might turn me away because you are dreaming of buying the new house. Fortunately for you all, I will still welcome you. It's alright I hold no grudges, but it still disappoints me somehow.

Whether or not this is accepted as an apology is up to the individual. I apologize for the mistake, and I am moving forward from it. I am fully admitting I have done this. If one does not forgive, it is no longer in my court. May your life be filled with happy days, even if I'm not part of it.

The Close of Hiatus

Hello blog. I've been away for so long, the last time I actually did write something was 2 and a half months ago. People have come knocking. Some have thought I have blocked them on purpose. Some have thought I have been writing stuff which I wanted hidden from others. In actual fact I haven't been writing at all. I have almost ditched you into the archive section, but you have been revived - for the me that wrote is still the me that is writing. Only with a different pattern.

So what have I been up to these few months? A lot really. To cap off I have finished my Diploma of Financial Services in Financial Planning meaning I am qualified to give advice on financial products. I completed (barely) the Melbourne Half Marathon, which was tough due to lack of proper training. I have re-vamped my diet whenever I can help it. Got myself a musical keyboard. Just got back from Canberra. Going on a trip to Europe. And, about to buy a new camera soon. Also in the process of learning Chinese through books.

More importantly, I came across this book called the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I am fortunate enough to have had this title in my head thanks to Benjamin See who posted it on his Facebook status. I just cannot believe how someone who fully reads this book can actually not feel enlightened. It was a powerful message passed to me, and although I am unable to completely live by its principles, it has brought me a priceless gift: inner peace at much more of the time.

I would like to have more creative writing here and perhaps in Facebook once I derive more confidence and flow in my words. The time is now.

The Road Not Taken

What brings the road to the precipice? Is it because the road was not taken for so long that it caves in on its own? Or is it the benign internal cracking which, after many moons of erosion and disregard, has let loose its weight on the world?

How can an 8th house be doubted? I stood upon the horizon watching the sunrise and sunset, day in day out. There in front of me a 9th year is overwhelming a 3rd year. Life is full of these crushes. I should be happy my expense is appreciated by someone else. I should also be glad that it is very apparent that the 7th house is trully within me. Yet a lot of the time I am so sick of the never ending frustrations and climbs. At the end of the day I take it in my stride that a better day ensues. My boss tells me how frustrating it was to be beginning in the foundation of salt and sand. Perhaps what he has not understood is that his 12 year history of bliss prior to that does amount to something which he can always fall back on. I am certainly not so lucky. I don't think my soul can appreciate simple satisfaction and happiness anymore. It's always so amazingly pulmerized I surprise myself that I get up every single day seeking a better day.

The things I shall remember from today are: it was written and I read it, I have not found what life has in store for me and I have to keep up with that blind hope. It is my destiny.